Continuing On

The illness and death of my mother sapped me of creativity. Writing no longer appealed to me. When dementia robbed Mother of her ability to interact, I had no idea what to do for her, other than put on a strong face, smile and nod as she babbled incoherently, or give her a hug on days that she would greet me with “Dad died this morning.” Or whatever statement was pulled from 40, 50 years ago. She constantly relived nightmares that had never been true, and for several months did not even know me as her daughter. I seriously think the death of her sister in law in 2017 triggered a mental breakdown. She had been experiencing memory issues, but her emotional state apparently moved her into another world completely. She refused to believe that C was dead. I constantly heard “what is D doing today? ” That was her deceased brother who’d been married to the woman that died. Mother was constantly reliving her losses in her life, from miscarried babies to my dad to the rest of her family. I never knew for sure how to respond, and her refusal to be involved in church cut off any support there. I didn’t feel I could ask anyone for any kind of prayers as I had previously done. Her pride and constant admonition that “this is no one’s business” even isolated her friends from visiting. I didn’t tell anyone in our social groups about what her real problem was until just before she died. It had gone on much longer than that. My daughters, her only grandchildren, found visiting her difficult as she didn’t recognize them either. I persisted in visiting, even if she called me by the wrong name or introduced me as her sister in law. At that point who I was didn’t matter; at least she felt C cared.

Closure?

Her death in September brought little closure. I no longer was torn by trying to work in time to drive the 18 miles to the nursing home or figuring out where else I could run errands on a side of town I still was not used to. She had prepared me for what to do in the event of her death for 40 years. Having heart issues kept her constantly talking about “when I died”, so that her actual death was almost anticlimactic. My grieving had started long before her last physical breath. I missed being able to just call her and talk. That had been taken from us a year ago when she stopped being able to use a phone. I never quite got whether she couldn’t hear, or couldn’t process what she was hearing, but when she went back to the hospital from the first skilled facility, I took her cell phone home and put it in the drawer, hoping she would maybe rally. After it became clear that her communication abilities had been destroyed, I cancelled her cell phone plan. That action alone felt like I was betraying her. My husband reassured me it was not a betrayal, I was only doing what was necessary. But I could never quite shake the feeling that I was making the wrong decision or not doing things the way she would have wanted. But what she wanted and what had to be became two entirely different things.

Now What?

I am thankful that our daughter and new son are living in Mom’s house. It not only helps me get used to the idea of her not being here, but also is helping them get on their feet financially until college loans are paid. (Shoot…I’m thankful that financially we can keep it for now.) Organization has never been my strong suit. That was always Mom’s job. I shake my head and sigh as I realize just how much stuff she actually had hoarded. Slowly things are being disposed of or given away. With the kids living in her house, it makes having an actual estate sale more challenging. We have a long way to go, but hopefully after I recuperate from my recent back surgery I can refocus my efforts and get things done this summer. Mom would be having a fit I am sure. I can’t seem to get her disapproval out of my head.

Summer Reading Memories

As an only child, books entertained me when there was no one to play with. I enjoyed school because I liked being around others, so summer frequently loomed as interminably long and boring. My parents were frugal, so vacations were every two years or so…if that often. (Quite frankly I only remember two long vacations that were not trips to see family!) But once a week, my mother would take me into Wichita to the Sweetbriar branch of the public library. I would check out at least 4 books, depending on the length. I eagerly anticipated those weekly trips, especially if I had zoomed through all of the books before the week was up. When I had read the ones in my possession, you could find me pulling out the World Book Encyclopedia from our bookcase at home or one of Mom’s Zane Grey westerns. (When she moved from my childhood home, she downsized…but I kept both the Zane Grey books and the yearbooks from the encyclopedia set!)

I didn’t really get an allowance as a youngster. Instead, my mom would pay me a penny for every cigarette butt I picked up in the yard. My parents were both smokers, and we though we lived in the country, our road was busy, so there were always lots of cigarette ends thrown into our ditch by passing vehicles. I saved my money for various things, but one thing I dearly loved was the Cherry Ames series of books about a young woman who went to nursing school and became a nurse. I would hunt for those books at garage sales with my hard-earned pennies. I didn’t get the entire set, but I have many of them and they still reside on my bookshelf. If I ever get around to cleaning out my basement, those books are NOT going anywhere!

Now as as an adult, my reading habits have shifted. Summer is a blur of rearranging work  schedules around other people’s vacation requests and vying for a spot of my own on the vacation roster. With all of the responsibilities on my plate, I have the attention span of a gnat and find sitting and just reading difficult. There always seems to be something needing done, and then there are the distractions of the internet…

I miss the days of just reading…whether it was Cherry Ames’s next adventure in her career, the trials and tribulations of Beautiful Joe (or any other good dog story), holiday traditions in other cultures, or a romantic love story, I could count on books transporting me to another time and place. But all is not lost…I have several historical fiction novels waiting to be read, and one of them is going to get packed for our mini vacation next week…because both of my daughters will be reading as well! So I managed to do SOMETHING right after all!

Repost

I have followed the Pure Purpose blog for several years and find Susan’s insight very helpful. This post is spot on; it took me several years to realize that I was NOT actually the problem in a situation, the organization was toxic. Yes, I hold responsibility for my response to situations, but those situations were created by a very toxic environment that was no longer responsive to its employees. I am certain other readers will find Susan’s post helpful.

Toxic Responsibility

Reflections of a Politically Homeless Christian

Living life with other people is messy and requires multiple perspectives to find solutions that will positively impact the largest number of …

Reflections of a Politically Homeless Christian

Reposting from a blogger I just discovered. This describes me quite well, even though I grew up in a different church and am a bit older than the writer. Worth a read!

Vacation, Anyone?

My husband and I enjoy traveling and seeing new places. We have been coast to coast over the years, literally. But due to the need to be close to home for possible emergency issues with our aging mothers, and thanks to Covid concerns, one of our bucket list trips had been postponed more than once. Finally we decided 2021 was the year. We requested our time off from work, and I made actual reservations for where we would stay for a few days and explore. I purchased trip cancellation insurance just in case, knowing that my mother in law’s health could turn on a dime. The preceding weeks before the trip were not without stress. But, we managed to escape our daily grind and hit the road.

Those 2 weeks were some of the best of our lives. Hubby and I received some much needed recuperation time, and we were able to reconnect as a couple, just us, no kids or other family on the trip with us. And it made us think—do we want to spend the rest of our healthy middle years working? How do we adjust our time table for retirement? Is this a selfish goal? We had discussed in our early years what we thought our goals should be, knowing that my parents’ health did not allow them to travel in retirement. We took many fun road trips with our daughters in tow while they were growing up , knowing that those years are irretrievable once they are gone.

Riverside Memories

So now both our daughters are married, and my mother in law and several other family members have passed away since 2021. Hubby and I decided to retire the end of last year, and now are debating “where to next?” But I have to laugh. In the next few months we have a road trip planned to take youngest 2 kids to meet family in Galveston for a cruise, and hubby and I are going to do things in the area while they are on the ship. Following that trip our oldest daughter and son in law are going to concerts out of state over a weekend, and instead of having family take turns keeping little infant daughter for them, we are going on the trip too and will babysit while they attend the concerts. I suppose lots of folks think we are odd, but that’s not a new accusation. We do us. And after these trips and some other things are done, we have plans for some sightseeing in areas we haven’t been…because I want more mountain pictures!

Roller Coaster Year

So many things have happened this year that I am finding myself wondering “what’s next”. My mother in law passed away the end of March after battling kidney failure for two years, the result of heart catheterization dye when she caught RSV at a family birthday party and experienced an acute myocardial infarction. She had fallen in February and broken her hip; protocol dictates blood thinners be started to prevent blood clots, but due to her other medical conditions, she should never have been placed on blood thinners, especially not one that has no reversal agent. She literally bled to death over a period of a month. She had been getting tired of not feeling well, and her 95 year old body was literally worn out. So in a way it was a blessing for her suffering to be ended.

Just two weeks after Mom’s passing, a dear family friend died during a procedure after suffering a silent heart attack. He had been my own mother’s “gentleman friend” for several years, and a grandpa figure to my daughters. I had dashed up to the hospital to see him before he went to the procedure room and I was thankful I had the foresight to do so. I stayed with his daughter and son in law while the procedure was being done, and B kept apologizing, saying “I am so sorry you are experiencing this so soon after your own loss!” My mother would have expected nothing less from me. I wasn’t interested in feeling more guilty over not doing something she would have expected.

June brought an unexpected death of the husband of a cousin in my husband’s side. We all were devastated; he died in his sleep, no symptoms of anything when he went to bed the night before. I was thankful I had taken several photos at the family dinner in March after Mom’s service; R was in a couple of those pictures which his wife found comforting.

Our oldest daughter gave birth in September to a healthy baby girl. After experiencing a miscarriage last year and several complications during the pregnancy, we are all thankful for little one’s safe arrival. I had retired from my job just 3 days prior to her birth; timing is everything, they say, and it certainly seems to apply here. I will be caring for little one when her mama goes back to work in December.

In October, another aunt (sister to mother in law) passed away; she was also the mother of the lady who lost her husband in June. A trial of faith for sure, Aunt T had experienced multiple health issues of her own which required 24/7 care the last two months of her life. Her two daughters were grief stricken but at peace because her struggle was done.

The culmination of months of planning, our youngest daughter finally married the man of her dreams this past Saturday. They have dated since high school, and never looked back! So thankful for the blessings in our lives. Life is not always fair or kind, but having bright spots like new life and young love exemplified gives hope for our tomorrows. I am blessed and thankful as we head into the Thanksgiving season.

When You Pray But God Doesn’t Answer With The Miracle – Ann Voskamp

Some lean over gravestones and say: The miracle didn’t happen. And others lean over gravestones and say they got their miracle because she was a miracle, and getting to love her was a wonder, and every moment together was a miracle of grace and there is no other was to explain the extraordinary
— Read on annvoskamp.com/2022/09/when-you-pray-but-god-doesnt-answer-with-the-miracle/

Our family recently received a miracle in the birth of a healthy granddaughter. But so many times we have had heartbreak of our own. Feeling supremely grateful this morning, for every miracle I have ever received.

Tomorrow is indeed another day

open.spotify.com/track/5HqSwk6BUuFDI5UBMytoJA

Just in a rather pensive mood today. I retired last Wednesday, and our first granddaughter was born Saturday. Some scary moments but she and her mama are home and healthy. So many thoughts swirling today in the midst of my migraine haze.

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Left unchecked, my imagination can frequently get the better of me. Gee, wonder where my girls’s anxiety comes from? I wonder what I could have done differently, maybe better, and realize that I need to focus on what I did right. Seeing some evidence of that now. As darling first daughter and her husband learn and connect with their precious baby, I have every confidence that her dad and I, “son’s” parents planted seeds that are coming to fruition. A miracle in itself.

Caturday

Caturday

Memorial Weekend Musing

Sitting on my front porch, I listen to birds chirp, mowers hum, and the wind chimes adding occasional notes as the breeze stirs them. The routine noises of summer belie the stirring in my heart from the week’s news. Friends post their kids’s last day of school photos as the nation mourns over yet another horrific school shooting. A friend’s son died last week unexpectedly; only 22, “his suffering has ended“ is how she prefaced her social media post about when his memorial service and burial would be held. He was 2020 high school graduate; cheated of a graduation ceremony, and for whatever mysterious reason, now he will not realize his full earthly potential.

I guess when Jesus said “in this world you will have trouble,” he wasn’t kidding. I know growing up my mother always talked about enjoying childhood while I could, because “life is hard as a grown up.” Or, as my now young adult daughters say, “adulting is hard.”

So I sit, savoring simple sounds of life around me. I have no answers for the suffering that abounds these days. I just keep praying for peace. Eventually I suppose we will each have it some way. I am grateful for my loved ones, and I do not take our days for granted.

Stress Flowers and Love

It is hardly surprising that healthcare workers are stressed, no matter what their role. I am not at the bedside directly, but my job is to get patients to beds from emergency room, surgery, or wherever they may happen to come from at our facilities. Recent changes to our leadership and processes have made an already difficult situation even worse. My husband works at the same hospital as a BioMed tech, so he understands the atmosphere of the hospital currently. So when I had texted that yesterday was a most definitely awful Monday, I came home to dinner ready and flowers in the table. With me on 12 hour shifts, he has discovered it is most helpful to have dinner prep done or underway by the time I get home if we want dinner before 9 pm. The one consistent thing in my life since our marriage has been dinner with him after I get home. For 30 years we have called when we get off work and said “I am on my way”, whether we are on time or delayed. But the flowers last night were a special surprise that he doesn’t usually do. Valentine’s Day he typically will buy a live rose plant to replant outside rather than “dead flowers,” as he puts it. Our dining room table is usually a chaotic mess of whatever hasn’t found a home in a drawer, file, or the shred box. Projects that he needs to fix, junk mail, books I am reading or want to read (because if those get to a shelf, they may or may not get read…), you name it, it all lays in a pile that would drive most professional home organizers up the wall. Marie Kondo does not live here, I do.

So as I review emails, texts, and my Lent devotional, and sip my coffee, I gaze at the wonder of pink lilies just opening their buds. These are a gentle reminder that my husband loves me and wants to make me happy. I also am reminded that long ago Jesus said, “…even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these” (Matthew 6:29) as he reminded his disciples that worrying is pointless. So I take comfort that I can try again another day to learn from my mistakes, and do better.

Clingman’s Dome

Clingman’s Dome